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The March

Funbar's Scribbles

Andrew Walsh

(The editor has made a few corrections to the following text.)

Funbar's Scribbles
(Various words and numbers scribbled and crossed out)

I give up. I don't even know what day it is any more. All I know is that I am sick of sitting by this stream. Not that I can go anywhere thanks to that stupid mold. This is the first chance I've had to update my scribbles since I crawled out of that blasted cave. I don't even know why I bother sometimes.

Yes I do. It's because I am a Hapi Dwarf of the Redmount Hapi Clan. For all I know King Bill may have changed the "laws" again. I really hate dwarves and the Hapi Grip, but most especially King Bill (or Little Willie as some like to call him). Little Willie knows that I am VERY ticklish and seems to have taken a sadistic pleasure in applying the Hapi Grip to me.

Damn cats! Dreg's cats Pozo and Lucky just decided to play "attack kitty" and "mighty hunter kitty" on my quill and ink. Now both are ruined along with 10 pieces of paper. Now I'm stuck using a this stupid Hapi pencil. I hate how it keeps changing colors as I write.

I still can't believe that I've spent over 2 years with these ..... people? I still don't know what Toemass and Gleeckh see in Dreg. Who ever heard of a orc warlord that's more into poetry then war? Then there is Learthra and her obsession with endive and body parts. Still, she can cook a mean crawfish.

Finally we have Nancy. I envy Nancy her confidence. She always knows where she is going. I just know that, twists and turns aside, we shall finally reach our destination. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure where that is. I'll ask Nancy when she wakes up again.

So how have I ended up sick by a stream with a halforc, a darkelf, and an ant? I'm not entirely sure myself. We entered Miseria, somewhere north of Snarl Swamp. We marched past more pubs then I can remember. I was surprised by the Ixian pilgrim we met, but they disappeared among all the merchants and their entourages, not to mention the brigands, slavers, and nobles.

We eventually came to Snablits (Pop: 106?) just as THE noble died. A chap by the name of Lord Glairon. While we attended the funereal we heard rumors of ant people nearby that where planning to take over. We got many suspicious looks, but managed to find out where the townspeople thought the ants lived.

The "ant hive" turned out to be nothing more then some burned out, moldy, contaminated ruins inhabited by some un-dead keepers. We decided to press on further into the woods. That was when we found the gorge.

In a cul de sac in this gorge we found a huckleberry bush and a slippery rock on the other side of the stream. Behind the huckleberry bush was found some regular endive and wild cocks, a now regular ingredient of Learthra's cooking. The other main ingredient in Learthra's cooking is the giant crawfish in the stream.

We found out about the crawfish when Nancy slipped on the, well, slippery rock. She fell into the stream and was immediately set upon by the crawfish. She managed to defeat them and Learthra collected two for later use. Nancy then started marching upstream till we found the waterfall. We decided to setup camp after Nancy found a cave behind the waterfall and Learthra expressed a desire for phosphorous fungus.

After I had gotten setup I decided to practice on my bag pipe. I haven't played in a while so it didn't come out quite right. I also haven't heard the old tunes in a long time, but I remember my teacher's favorite instruction: "Practice, practice, practice, and then eat" (he was a fat dwarf). Note to self - Be sure to stow my pipes securely, I think Dreg may not appreciate the finer points of Hapi Dwarf bag pipe jigs.

We left Dreg's two "suitors" to watch the camp and entered the cave. Just inside the entrance the path split, one way going up and left, the other down and right. Learthra decided that, based on her past culinary experiences, we should go left. After climbing a long and slippery slope we where surprised by a gargoyle. Well, Nancy wasn't surprised, and that may be what saved us.

Learthra managed to run the gargoyle through while Nancy was distracting it, but not before I managed to give me a healthy scratching. Dreg really didn't seem to like the gargoyle that much and bashed its skull in. Learthra then extracted the gall bladder, thyroid, pituitary gland, and ovaries of the gargoyle and nearby dead bodies.

Seems that scratch wasn't too healthy after all. As we started going through the dead bodies, I realized that the smell, while previously repulsive, was now starting to smell good. This concerned me greatly, and I'm glad I happened to still have my cure all. Since then I have made it a point to watch Learthra cook and make sure no gargoyle parts end up in the stew.

All told we find about 346 pazuzas worth of random stuff, in addition to an ax and a sword, both of which are really too small for any of us. At the other end of the room was a long drop, maybe 15 to 20 meters, to a pool below. A narrow beach ran around the pool and another tunnel could be seen from our position.

Not liking the looks of the pool, one of the gargoyles legs was cut off and thrown at the pool. Before it hit a large tentacle snaked out from the water, grabbed the leg, and dragged it under. So much for repelling down the drop.

We back tracked and took the right and down branch of the patch. I'm not sure how it got their, but about halfway down this slippery slope we found a large crawfish on the floor. The thing must have been over 3 feet long. It was just lying their, but if we had walked onto it, things may have gone badly. Good thing Nancy noticed it.

We cut off its arms and pinned it to the ground with the extra sword we had. Learthra carried its claws in her bag as we moved on. On our way back out we collected what we could carry of it and left the rest behind. If I never have fish again it will be too soon.

It seems that the tunnel we could see from the gargoyle's lair was the path that we where on. The pool gave off a putrid odor and made me want to be sick. I managed to hold it back, but I have the strangest feeling that Dwain did end up throwing up into the machine. Knowing Dwain, if he did he would manage to "work with it". We search the beach and I manage to find a cave behind some fungus.

In my excitement on finding the cave I called out my discovery. This was not wise, as Learthra reminded me by telling me to "Shut Up!" The monster was awakened by my shout, but thankfully we all managed to avoid its searching tentacles and it returned to its slumber.

The cave entrance I found was small and narrow and covered in lichen. Nancy, in a fine display of decisiveness, started to squeeze through the tunnel. Poor Nancy never saw it coming. When she got half way through the tunnel the lichen started to release spores. These spores are poison to us, as Nancy found out. She managed to avoid passing out and crawled on through the tunnel.

Since we were all going through the tunnel at the same time, we all managed to get caught by these spores. I remember starting to cough, and thinking something smelled funny. The next thing I know I'm being forced awake by Dreg. Nancy and I have been sick and in pain since then and it doesn't seem to be getting much better. Maybe in another week or two I might be able to walk more then five feet.

The tunnel we crawled through deposited us is a small cave with some chests of various construction. I didn't get a good look at them as I had been awakened only so that I could crawl out of the cave. This time we realized that if we held our breath we wouldn't get any more poison spores in our systems.

As we crawled back to camp I realized that we no longer had the ax that we had found upstairs. When I asked about it I found out that it was broken trying to open the chests in the cave. Dreg also claims that Learthra was thinking of cooking me and Nancy used some alien anal probes on me.

Knowing Learthra I would believe she would consider making a meal of me, but what else should I expect of a darkelf. I doubt Nancy did anything with any probes, she is as sick as I am. Damn Cats! Now they are attacking my foot. I wish that when they ran from the gargoyle that they had drowned in the lake.

I hate cats. I hate elves. And I especially hate dwarves and their Hapi Grip! Now if only I had the strength to hold my sword and kill these cats! The words of this scribble are beginning to move and change color. I think I'm going to be sick!