Home   Adventures

The March

What's for Dinner?

Martin F. Melhus

So there we are, all suffering from some awful ache and illness from the gunk that spewed out of the chest. We sat and thought about how to make it get better, and finally decided that the best thing would be to sit around for a while and rest.

Four weeks later, we're all fit as leopards, and itchin to fight (well, Nancy was itchin to march, but she's a bit strange in the head, being a bug and all.) So we decide to follow Nancy, as she really is convinced of the right way to go, (and since she could kick any one of us into next month, she gets to do what she wants.)

After marching for some time, we chanced upon some dwarves that had a decidedly suicidal bent (an admirable trait in a dwarf, and one that our little camp follower seems lacking in.) So, having no steep cliffs nearby to hurl themselves off of, they attacked us, and got spanked bigtime. The black flit (Liarthra, if you care,) decided to save their lower spine bits (coccyx, she says it's called, if you care.) The little turd (Funbar, even though I know you don't care,) complained that it was cruel to cut up other dwarves in front of him. Welcome to the real world, runt. I offered to let him join his fellow dwarves, and he whimpered something pathetic. (Actually, Funbar had no problems with the cruel treatment of the other dwarves. "I hate dwarves!" he said. Ed.)

So we continued following the bug, and then we met up with this big one eyed thing. He said that to pass, we needed a dragon's tooth. I tried the fake map scam on him, talking about a secret entrance over there, but he didn't buy it, and tried to squish me. I was ready for that, though, and scrammed.

So we headed into this cave thing. I lit a torch, and then realized that we could all see fine in the dark, so I went to warm up the little turd with it, but he got his stubby butt away, so I just put it out. In the cave we found 6 skeletons of human types, and the black flit took the toes off. Then the cave opened into a corridor, with these huge heads carved in the sides. As we passed the heads, they started singing in some wacked out language. Probably telling everyone inside just who we were and all that.

After the head corridor, we came to a room with some bodies in it. They had just had a fight, and still had stuff on them. The little turd took the mace, and named it t0. The black flit took the two javelins, naming them Arlin and Sentra. I'll never understand those odd races. What's wrong with calling them mace, javelin and javelin? We cleaned the stuff off the bodies, and with the little turd using the mace, I arranged to use his sword. He made a lot of stupid noise about giving him something, and had me write a meaningless contract. What an idiot.

Then we encountered some ghouls with nets. I killed one, and was then badly wounded. Nancy fought 3, and killed them all, and the black flit got out of the net and fought well also. The little turd managed to stop a few blows from a ghoul before the others saved his shrunken little head. He quaffed a potion to get better. The ghouls also had 6 potions, so one was poured down my throat, with no noticeable effect (it made me run a bit slower, but they couldn't tell that.) The turd drank one, and became invulnerable to diseases (like that will save his sorry hide.)

We then decided to chat with the hanging skull there. It asked us if we worshipped the prince of the undead N'Egla Naminore? Naturally we told it yes, and went through the doors. Inside was a temple (duh) that had lots of broken statues. The head of one landed on the little turd, and I laughed so hard I poked a tooth through my lip. The little runt deserved it. The black flit was scoping the big statue in the front when it started to chase her. But having no legs, it wasn't that speedy, and we were all able to run away from it (even the little turd's tiny legs were fast enough to keep him from his eventual fate, for now at least.) So we scooted into the sacrifice room, that had a big pit full of water in it. Told the runt to go swimming, but he didn't obey. There was also an 18 foot long blue box. We opened the box to find a dragon's head, full of teeth. So we lugged it out to old one-eye, and kept following the bug.

We finally arrived at the dragon claw marts school, and decided to train there for eight years or so. Nancy claimed one of the potions, while i drank two more. One gave me super fast healing, and the other made me more surly and nasty (two good ones.) The runt had another, and got stupid and ugly (but we couldn't tell, really, because he was so dumb already.)

Anyway, I'm really excited to learn this stuff. My human discipline and orcish reckless abandon are a perfect compliment to this fighting style. Plus I get to kick that little turd's greasy hindquarters three times a week. I think he's getting bored with that, so I should let someone else spank him for a month or so.

Well, that's probably all that you care about. Until next time, keep eatin 'em before theys eatins youze.